Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
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Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk