me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
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The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Love this guy
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.