how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
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[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.