‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
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*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
But I really needed water water water
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Happy Taco Tuesday
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]