Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
You Might Also Like
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.