I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
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Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.