Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
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flash mobs for serving divorce papers
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”