If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
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The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
awkward
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
#SCOTUS one-star review
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
i love modern commerce
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.