I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
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ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
can’t wait til they legalize outside
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy