[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
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I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I’m a bad influence on myself.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*