The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
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moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.