I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
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As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm