You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
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I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime