Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
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My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal