I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
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[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
God has left this place
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
How long do you have to wait between naps?