#MeanwhileInCanada
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Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
This could be us but you eatin’
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
inventing words: clothing
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that