Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
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I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
*puts words between two asterisks*
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Swedish for common sense.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family