Free him
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That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I wish all tests were things you peed on
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away