I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder