Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
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JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
What a year we’ve had this week.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.