5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
You Might Also Like
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Dolls on drugs
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle