Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
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me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.