My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
You Might Also Like
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
What about second breakfast?
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]