30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
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I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂