Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
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I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
This is amazing.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it