Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
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BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
🛁
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*