okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
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“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Buck naked
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
excuse me
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”