Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
You Might Also Like
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
…u ok Nintendo?
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Finally, an explanation.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.