I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
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Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.