one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
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FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
My neck, my back, my…
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I falcon love using swear birds
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.