[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
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So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
i wish i could marry a nap
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.