Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
You Might Also Like
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Put a ring on it
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
5 ways to appear taller
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Twitter is an abusement park.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback