*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
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Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
guilty
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Cat is stressing him out.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]