me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
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My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I don’t make the rules sorry
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see