If you love someone, let them sleep.
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Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
That’s fair
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know