This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Every house has this drawer
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.