Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
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multitasking lunch
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans