Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
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Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
THIS HEADLINE
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Current mood: Potato
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo