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I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Rooting for the overdog
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.