Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
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Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.