When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
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a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I am yelling
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend