The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
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me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month