*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
definitely did not do anything wrong
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Need tips on making something look like an accident.