My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
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Why does laundry happen to good people?
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Cause of death: Zumba
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.