I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
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remember
only for emergencies
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.