My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
You Might Also Like
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
saving face 👀
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!