When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
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I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.