Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
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These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.