Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
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Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father