I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
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just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats